Unquiet Hands

I have a working computer again!

And am still very busy, but will hopefully be around more.

I just had to ask myself "Did I fall into that episode of Buffy with the demon bikers?" As far as I can tell, the answer is 'no.' The bicyclists are loud and raucous and it's night and I live in a city adjacent to another city called Sunnyvale and I'm not entirely certain whether a difference of one letter means much here, but they don't look particularly demonic and my apartment is still standing/not on fire. And they're not on motorcycles.

Still, it was a bit 'wtf?' until I found a description of the event online.

I set out to make ground turkey curry this evening. I was thinking while I was cooking that I ought to post about my realization that I actually *can* cook with some degree of success.

Then I realized I had made spaghetti. I added cumin and more cumin and cardamom and eventually it tasted like some bizarre spaghetti-curry hybrid thing.

And that's how I learned swapping tomato paste for tomato sauce doesn't work, at least not with identical quantities. :p

It's not bad, though, and my mother and stepfather are away this week, so I didn't have to inflict it on anyone else.

And I can still say that I can cook *some* things -- I've had wonderful experiences making the warm butternut squash and chickpea salad from Smitten Kitchen recently. And I did inflict that one on other people and they liked it.

I am not thirteen.

Just needed to say that.

I'm also not inventing a fake address to scam the Mountain View library into giving me a library card, which I will then use for nefarious purposes. Yes, even though the copy of the lease I had didn't have the letterhead. I'm still not trying to scam them.

I'm glad that minutes of suspiciously glaring at my passport finally convinced this person that a) it's real and b) I'm eighteen, not thirteen.

But I still don't have a library card. I thought my passport and a copy of the lease would be enough to prove my residency. My mother thought they'd be even more lenient than that.

They're sending a card to me in the mail, which I'll take back to the library. That's assuming I can even receive mail at the apartment. I may not be able to.

I'm tired and headachy and have had a rather bad day, all things considered.

From the Center for Self-Determination's "Principles of Self-Determination": "The opportunity to choose where and with whom one lives as well as how one organizes all important aspects of one’s life with freely chosen assistance as needed."

I'm convinced that 'where' is meant to be the same options any non-disabled person of similar financial standing would have, without restrictions about what others view as "too dangerous" or "too far away." Imposing those restrictions would create a situation in which one is less able to direct their own life, which runs counter to self-determination.

My father, on the other hand, insists that 'where and with whom one lives' only extends to being able to choose not to live in an institution. Therefore, it doesn't go against the principles of self-determination to restrict me to the Bay Area or closer. Anyway, if I can prove myself, then I'm allowed to move farther away.

This is not self-determination. This is placing me in a position where I have to ask permission to make decisions about "important aspects of [my] life," even as an adult. The assistance is not freely chosen.

There are risks for anyone leaving home. There are risks that I face that others may not. There are other risks that I'm less likely to face -- my sensory sensitivities make me less likely to get into the drunken party scene, for one! And the assumptions that I cannot understand risks, that I cannot understand my own needs, that I am not capable of making decisions that would be open to me were I non-disabled are profoundly insulting. They're also painfully restrictive.

I do not deny that my father acts with good intentions, but that does not mean that his decisions are the right ones.

And no matter what, I will not work on developing skills with the intention of "proving myself." I will work to develop said skills, but it will be in the course of seeking employment and seeking alternate paths by which I can attain the funds and the autonomy to make my own decisions, regardless of others' fears.

More on actual life-happenings later. This is just what wanted to be written tonight.

I'm autistic! I'll discuss the detailed ADOS results with the psychologist after I get back from Autreat, but she did tell me she was certain I qualified for that particular diagnosis.

I'm supposed to start dealing with Alta Regional Center tomorrow. Just what I wanted to do. :p

I have an Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule (ADOS) appointment next Thursday! I hope it goes well.

I haven't talked to my old psychologist in a long time, but my father and stepmother are still in contact with her. They're saying that she's certain I'll get an official diagnosis of autism. I trust her more on that than I do on other things.

Before I left on vacation, I posted an entry in which I commented that something could always go wrong re: internet access. It did. The first place I stayed only had internet access in the lobby. Where I'm staying now, there's nothing. I'm typing this from a Starbucks. This'll probably be the last time I use the internet until I get home Sunday morning.

Further remarks on the vacation and other stuff will have to wait until I'm somewhere a bit quieter.

George Lakoff's "What's in a Word? Plenty, if it's 'Marriage'" is worth a read, especially with the California Supreme Court's decision today. Some of it (i.e. the reference to George Bush) is dated, and I'm not certain about his statement that the right prefers the term 'gay marriage.' Many of them have a strange aversion to the word gay, and a need for scare quotes. Homosexual "marriage" is more common, in my experience. It's still a good article, though, and I wish the leaders of the No on Prop 8 movement had read it (or, even better, the book it was featured in, don't think of an elephant) before the election.

Also, in case I don't get around to posting again later this week: I'm leaving for Hawaii very early Friday morning and not getting back until the Sunday a week later. I should have internet access at both places I'm staying, but something could always go wrong.

Watching the swine flu news is interesting. With all the hype about how 'deadly' it is, I would have expected a fatality rate greater than five to ten percent. When I first saw the headlines yesterday, I was expecting H5N1 level. (I was going to add SARS as well, but then I looked up the actual fatality rates there, and that looks like another case of media hype.) It's still too high for comfort if it becomes pandemic, but I don't see any reason to run around screaming that everyone's going to die.

I'm wondering what would happen if I got it. They're saying that healthy people between twenty and forty-five years of age are most severely affected. I'm slightly younger than that and, having cystic fibrosis, don't fit most people's standards of 'healthy.' But my immune system is rather strong. I don't tend to catch the viruses that 'everyone' gets, though I do catch an awful lot of weird bacterial things. If I have a functioning immune system and cytokine storms are the main cause of death in the fatal cases of this strain, then I'd still be at high risk, I assume. And if I already have partially blocked airways, then a buildup of fluid and immune cells would be even more dangerous (or at least dangerous more quickly), right? So I might be in some weird 'not technically healthy, but also not low risk (and maybe even higher risk than the typically healthy people)' zone.

Or I could be entirely wrong on the above. It's interesting to consider, though.